Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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