shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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