Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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