I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
