when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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