The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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