I just pynch a tree in the face
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize