see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Your dad touched me again.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
