I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
