It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize