it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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