I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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