I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
