If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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