Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
