I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
