Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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