and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
