Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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