so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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