My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
