If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
