i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
