I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
