So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
