He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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