Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
