I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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