my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
