i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
