why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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