I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
