now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
