eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
