dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
