Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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