i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
