I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
