i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
