I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
