i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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