i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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