The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
