I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize