i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
