When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize