Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
