note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
