Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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