I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
