I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
