so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
