btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
