when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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