Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize