I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
