I think I am morally bankrupt
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
