Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
