this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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