thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
